By Damilola Adeleke
The beginning of a new romantic relationship is a special time. The first few dates can be exhilarating, filled with nervous laughter and small discoveries. It’s easy to become immersed in passion and excitement — and even overlook your compatibility.
But relationships are complex. As exciting as the first flames of new love feel, the infatuation and excitement of new partnerships will eventually give way to familiarity. At this point, even the most passionate relationship needs something to sustain it beyond mutual affection and common interests.
That’s when the shared values in your relationship can see you through.
Once you move beyond the initial courtship, shared core values form the foundation of compatibility a relationship needs to grow and thrive. But despite their significance, potential partners often find it challenging to have a productive conversation about their moral guideposts in the early stages of a connection.
While understanding one another’s values is necessary for a healthy relationship, exploring them doesn’t have to be a nerve-wracking conversation. Start by learning about what matters to you. From there, you’re ready to have a dialogue that guides you toward a future as friends or romantic partners.
What are relationship key values?
On the surface, relationships seem straightforward. You meet someone, and an initial spark of chemistry leads to a connection. Over time, that connection deepens, and you begin to build a life together.
But the road to a happy ending is rarely so smooth. On top of romantic qualities, a healthy relationship requires a mix of vulnerability, trust, and honesty. As a partner, your core values determine how and if you’re able to meet those emotional needs.
What does “core values” mean? They are your moral North Star: a set of fundamental personal beliefs and principles that establish your standard of behavior and influence how you see the world.
When living in the rosy glow of a new relationship, it can feel natural to let your needs slide a little or confuse affection for compatibility. But over time, if you and your new significant other(s) don’t share key values, the incongruity can become detrimental to your relationship.
You don’t have to agree on everything, but you do have to align values in a relationship.
A life lesson
Divorce sucks. My friend is going through one right now. The worst part is that he saw it coming. And he’s not the first of my friends to tell me they ignored the warning signs of an eventual breakup.
Although there isn’t a surefire way to predict which relationships will last, there are some guidelines anyone entering or in a committed relationship should be aware of. They involve having honest discussions to make sure you’re seeing eye to eye with your partner about hot-button issues.
In my friend’s case, the topic of having kids unraveled his relationship.
When this couple first got together, they were both wishy-washy on having children and decided to avoid the topic until the right time. They were in no financial position to have children anyway, so why worry about it, they thought.
Today, they’ve built a successful business, but their relationship is over.
I only get to hear my friend’s side of the story, but from what he tells me, there was always a misalignment of values.
Our values are part of our identity. They are infallible characteristics of the person we are and want to become.
My friend values being a father. His wife values the freedom of life without kids.
For a long-lived relationship, couples don’t necessarily need to agree on everything, but they need to be aligned on their values.
But how?
Know Yourself
Before knowing what values to look for in a partner, you must be honest with yourself about your own.
When we define values as attributes of the people we want to be, we can more easily prioritize what matters most to us.
It may help you to assign these values to the three domains of life: you, your relationships, and your work.
These three domains describe where and with whom we live out our values. Most importantly, they give us a structure we can use to plan. They help us take control so that the way we spend our time becomes an authentic reflection of the person we want to be.
Once you’ve identified your values, take a look at your schedule. Do you make time in your week to live out those values?
For example, if one of your values is to be generous, do you make time to live out that value by regularly volunteering, donating money to those in need, or doing something else to give back?
If not, your value might be more of an aspiration, and it may be time to get real. Either make time in your schedule to live out your values or be honest with yourself that the values you’ve identified aren’t as important to you as you thought.
A bit of self-reflection makes sure you don’t make demands of your partner that you’re not willing to back up with action yourself.
I have a friend who is single but constantly complains about how hard it is to find a good man. Over dinner, I asked her what she was looking for in a partner. The first thing she said was that she was looking for “the athletic type.” I nearly choked on my food. She hasn’t been to a gym in years!
Now, fitness isn’t a required value. But if you do value it, you can’t expect your spouse to try to stay in shape while you only provide lip service. Don’t be a hypocrite.
Align Around These Relationship Values
While falling in love, people tend to minimize their differences and maximize their similarities. But if a relationship is to last, we have to make a point of discussing our values with our partner.
Some values are more foundational for romantic relationships than others. Here are some values that you would be wise to discuss with your partner.
Parenting
My friend going through the divorce wishes he would have discussed this value with his now-wife sooner.
Is one of your values to become a parent? Some people feel strongly about having biological children; others embrace the idea of adopting, acting as a foster parent, or having no kids at all. Some may want biological children, but only one or two, while others want large families.
https://www.calm.com/blog/values-in-relationships
It can be challenging to know if you want children later in life when you’re young. But your romantic relationship will have the best chance of succeeding if you do the work to explore your wishes and communicate them with your partner. Don’t just wait and see.
Another question you might consider is what kind of parent you want to be.
Imagine a job came along that paid more money yet consumed more of your time, keeping you away from your kids and partner. Would you take it?
Thanks for reading…
Adeleke Damilola (ACTION) is a versatile content writer with expertise in news writing and a seasoned media professional and broadcast specialist. Currently serving as News Editor for DNews Info, Damilola is also the CEO of the ACTION brand, committed to shaping lives and establishing a legacy of excellence for present and future generations.
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